


Aversion

by BrokenPoet12



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Aversion to touch, Cuddling in a bath tub, F/M, Making a Bargain, Romance, mature subject matter
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-14
Updated: 2016-12-14
Packaged: 2018-09-08 12:21:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,553
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8844820
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BrokenPoet12/pseuds/BrokenPoet12
Summary: 'Why won't you let me touch you?' Originally posted at FFN over ten years ago.





	

Summary: Tough one to summarize. Hermione makes a deal with Severus and he accepts. More than willing to spend even one night with her, he discovers there is more to her terms then she is willing to explain. Will he be able to convince her of the existence of things she'd never imagined?

AN: All right, a few reference points. (Like anyone reads this part anyway right?) Italics represent past tense. The beginning of the story is present, italics are a memory from one of the characters. The point of view of the memory relates to the character that's having it, obviously.

 

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Laying in the darkness for a long time, neither spoke. Severus stared at the ceiling just out of sight, hidden in the shadows of the room. Considering the woman only a few feet from him, he pondered her original request for his continued presence. Only a single demand had been made, their agreement very civil. Still, he puzzled over it. He had refrained from questioning her motives. In truth, he'd selfishly allowed himself to indulge in her attentions. It had been quite some time since he'd been in the company of a woman, especially one as willing as she. The quick study that she was, her skills had been mastered rapidly, in a short amount of time. There was little left for him to do. She needed no prompting and he was a willing participant. Now though, his continued involvement had begun to bother him. The feeling that he was merely taking from her, hang heavily above his head. Her offer of payment seemed ridiculous, money an effort to appease and distract him.

"Why wont you let me return the gestures you're so intent upon bestowing to me Hermione?" Breaking the silence, he bit his lip as his question went unanswered for a long time. Immobile next to him, he could not sense whether or not she was even awake. Just as he gave up on his answer, her head tilted slightly in his direction and she spoke.

"We have an agreement. I wanted nothing in return but this."

"But what? You've asked for nothing. Received nothing."

"You've given me more then I have hoped for. You've taught me how to love a man." She made a small noise in her throat and fell silent. Turning his head towards her, he tried to get a sense of her mood.

"I just don't understand." Shifting, Hermione rolled to her side, propped up on her elbow. With her free hand, she touched his chest gently. Her fingertips ran errant trails across his skin, dipping into the hollow of his stomach, rising to travel over his ribcage. As she came to rest at his throat, he sighed and closed his eyes. Dipping her head, she touched her lips to his collarbone and nipped gently at the skin there. Her hand resumed it's motion again, slowly trailing back down his chest. He sucked in a harsh breath as her nails scraped lightly around his navel before continuing down. The covers at his hips lifted slightly, a rush of cool air was soothed away immediately as she took him in her hand. Though it had been just a short time, he found himself instantly revived by her. An unrestrained heat spread through him, beginning in his belly and slowly spreading upwards. Squeezing him gently, Hermione slid her lips across his fevered skin. Severus found himself responding, encouraged by her gentle touches and lifted his hips towards her unconsciously. Biting his lip to suppress a groan, he felt cool air bathe his legs as she pushed the covers completely away from his body. Lying there, naked and in her sure hands, he found he could no longer rationalize his earlier concerns. Vaguely he was aware that her lips had moved to his navel, her tongue sampling the skin there. As her pace increased, Severus could not help the moan that escaped his lips. The feeling of heat enveloping him suddenly made him jerk upwards and throw his eyes open in time to catch her gaze. Now her fingernails bit into the flesh of his abdomen gently as her tongue and mouth worked over his hardness. His hips moving in time with her, he could feel his release coiling deep within his stomach. Panting, his head slammed against the pillow and he came with a strangled cry. Her name on his lips even as the wave of release washed over him. She did not cease immediately. Instead she coaxed him on, her ministrations gentle as his body began to relax. When he felt he could take no more, she relented and whispered an incantation to cleanse him. Placing a gentle kiss just below his hips, she moved to settle herself beside him once again.

His eyes shut tightly, he struggled to calm his erratic breaths and cursed her affects on him. It had become increasingly difficult to play the distant observer when she was so attentive to his desire for her. Years of attraction to her had made accepting her bargain easy. But it was the same attraction that was making it hard to maintain his end of the deal. Everytime she touched him, he fought to control himself. Wanting nothing more then to feel himself inside her, to make love to her, it was all he could do not to take her. The temptation she presented was too hard to ignore. Even in the wake of his release he could feel his frustration returning and he forced his eyes open. Turning suddenly to her, he spoke harshly.

"Why wont you let me touch you?" She answered him without a moments hesitation, as if she knew the question was coming.

"Touch objectifies everything. Once you're touched, you become a mere item. You're owned by the hands upon you. I can't stomach that idea." Her voice was quiet in the stillness of the room, and he had to strain to hear her. Propping himself against the headboard, Severus turned his attention fully to her. In the darkness, he could make out the faint outline of her features against the stark appearance of the walls. Following suit, Hermione's shadowed form moved to settle beside him, just beyond contact.

"You touch me. Am I merely some object?"

"You've given me control. Or the illusion that I can have it over you." As she speaks, Hermione places her fingertips gently on his right thigh. Focused on the contact, she listens as he continues and considers his words for a moment.

"That control lies within your touch. I respond to you. That's what touch is. Response." He shifts his hips slightly, raising upwards despite his attempts at restraint. Her apparent issues with touch had been bothering him. Swallowing hard as her fingertips travel to his inner thigh, Severus couldn't stop his fists from clenching at his sides. He knows she is trying to distract him, and he fights the urge to take her hands from him.

"Then I don't respond well to it."

"That can be overcome. Easily, with practice." His implication is unspoken. He would teach her, gladly, if she would only ask.

"No."

"Why not?"

"I can't lose control of myself. It's all that I have."

"Yet you expect to maintain your control over others? It isn't possible." His voice isn't quite bitter, but there is a vague air of hurt behind his casual tone. Trying to make her amends, Hermione stumbled on rather quickly.

"You said it yourself. I have control over you. You respond to me. That's all that matters in the end. Your response to touch, not mine." As she finishes, she sees his hand raise in the dark, reaching for her. Frowning, she watches him stop his motion in midair and look at her. His sigh is quite loud in the silence and in the dim light she can see his hand drop back into his lap. Turning from her, he shifts and swings his legs from the bed. Hissing softly as his feet arched in protest against the cold floor beside the bed, he paused. Behind him, Hermione made no motion to stop him. Turning his head, he spoke over his shoulder.

"I don't think it is such a horrible thing Hermione, to be possessed by someone." With that he stood, wrapped a robe around his body and stepped quietly through the bedroom door. Biting her lip, Hermione stared at the door for long minutes. In the darkness, her whisper echoed softly, unheard.

"It's all I've ever wanted from you."

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He'd been coming to the pub for ages. None of the other customers ever watched him anymore. Sure that he wouldn't hex them, they drank and allowed him to drink in relative peace. Settling in the corner once again, a bottle of bourbon and a small glass were summoned and he poured himself his first drink. As the amber liquid traveled down his throat, the pleasant warmth it offered brought the ghost of a smile to his lips. A smile which disappeared as soon as she entered. Severus had seen few of his former students. In truth, the few that had crossed his path years before were normally the scum of his former house. Those days had long ago ended, coinciding with the downfall of the Dark Lord. In the years following his release from prison, he'd managed to stay out of the light cast on most of the other survivors. Choosing to resume his life of obscurity, he'd left his job as Potions Professor and Scotland altogether. Unable to completely escape from the wizarding world, he'd chosen a quiet house in a town outside of London. It was a small village, not a muggle in sight anywhere on the dingy streets. He liked it because no one ever came looking for him there. His visits to the pub had become more frequent as the residents of the town grew more comfortable with him. Not that they'd ever speak to him directly or ever speak of him above a whisper as he passed. No, most of them stayed well away from the stone faced Potions Master, and it suited him well.

It surprised him to see her standing in the doorway of the pub. He stared, unable to do anything but watch her. Hermione had been the last familiar face he'd seen before he left Scotland. It was her work that had secured his pardon and release from Azkaban. It was her money that had given him the ability to sort his affairs and leave. At first he had rejected her offered assistance, refusing to become a charity for the girl he once loathed. The truth of the matter had been guilt. He had hated himself for every cruel thing ever spoken to her. It was hard to imagine that she'd be willing to help him, especially to the extent she had offered. Relenting, he found her to be efficient and respectably quiet about his business. Then with a few muttered good-byes and thanks, he'd left his life behind him.

"Hello Hermione." Muted in the din of the room, his voice traveled just far enough to get her attention. Wordlessly she joined him, sliding into the seat across the table. He watched her, focused upon her hands which she was wringing relentlessly. As the minutes lengthened, Severus summoned a second glass and poured her a drink. If she had a purpose for seeking him, she'd get around to it. Throwing back his second shot of the night, the warmth from before flared again. Her lips near his ear startled him, but the effect was doubled when her words hit him. When she had finished explaining, she looked at him for the first time that night. He stared into his empty glass, mildly shocked.

"Will you do it Severus?" The waver in her voice was almost imperceptible. Hermione seemed resolved enough, and most definantly serious. As she watched him, he found himself nodding.

"But why me Hermione?"

"Because you..I find you to be...," ducking her head, she toyed with the glass set before her as she struggled on. "You would never hurt me. I trust you."

"Why this? Why would you want me to show you something like this? Love is something not easily found and I, I am hardly a suitable choice to even demonstrate the physical mechanics of it." He found he could not fathom her reasoning. If she was so anxious for a lover, then she would have a kinder experience with those she loved. Surely he could not fill some void she was trying to banish away. Surely he couldn't even appear a decent choice. And though this line of logic was more than powerful, he found himself selfishly resisting refusal. Who would he be, to refuse a woman as beautiful and intelligent as she? He owed her his freedom and life. Their interactions in the past had been bordering on friendship. Then she had worked to attain his pardon, and for a brief time he had considered her to be more, drawing her closer then the businesslike manner he bestowed upon all others. But surely now, she could not conceive of him as a potential lover.

"Severus. I'm not asking for anything in return. Just a few hours of your company. Show me how to love a man." Her voice was at his ear again, her hands rested against his arm. Pulling a harsh breath through his nose, he closed his eyes and let his head rest against the back of the seat. Fighting a losing battle, he could no longer muster any argument as to why he should not allow her to continue. His attraction to her in the past had been kept well at bay in favor of her help. Now he could see no reason to deny her a few short hours. Denying himself would just be cruel. Selfishly he relented and felt her lips at his throat.

"Hermione, we must go." Halfheartedly he tried to pry her hands from his body. Throwing a glance around, he saw several of the pub patrons looking in their direction. Allowing a wolfish grin to cross his features, he groaned softly as her teeth nipped the skin of his neck. Tightening his arm around her waist, he barely had time to register her slight flinch before he apparated them away.

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He had no idea where he was going when he left her flat. His steady footfalls on the wet pavement soothed him, and he followed the path he was on for a few miles. Inescapably, his thoughts were of the girl he had left an hour before. The memories of the things she had done to him brought a flush to his usually pale face and he smiled despite himself. Now though, he had time to dwell on her original offer.

"Let me love you Severus. Just for tonight, teach me the ways to love a man completely. I'm asking for nothing in return. I just want to please you Severus, show me how."

The hours spent in her company been pleasant to say the least. She was skilled, attentive and quick to offer whatever he showed inclination towards. Except touch. She had avoided his every attempt at touch while she focused on him. Then he had tried to call her on it and her blunt manner had wounded his pride.

"Touch objectifies everything. Once you're touched, you become a mere item. You're owned by the hands upon you. I can't stomach that idea."

If she was so intent upon touching him, then what was he in her mind? Some object, some possession to discard after the sun rose? Disgusted, Severus stepped off a curb to cross the street. Just ahead of him was the pub. Intent upon a stiff drink, he shoved his hands in his coat and made his way to the low building. Just as his fingertips brushed the metal door handle he paused. There would be a reason for her refusal, there had to be. And a reason that it was he that she sought out. Hermione was beautiful in her own way. Surely there had been more then a few men interested in her. But she'd chosen him. And she'd shown him a passion he did not believe could ever be directed at him. The way she touched him, the things she whispered while he lost himself to her attention. Shaking his head sharply. Severus cleared away the thoughts crowding his mind. Glancing through the dingy window, he saw the hunched forms of other drunks. Miserable no doubt. Backing away from the door, he cast a glance around and within seconds a loud crack was all that attested to his presence as he apparated.

He found his home quiet but could sense her still there. Making his way slowly up the stairs, he took his steps down the hallway at a measured pace. The door to his bedroom was closed and no light came from underneath. Pushing it open, he stepped into the room slowly. She wasn't there. The sound of water coming from the next room drew his attention. Opening the bathroom door quietly, he found the small entryway area filled with steam. The warmth instantly drew a sheen of sweat across his forehead. As he walked, his hands immediately began undoing the buttons of his coat. Shedding it, it landed next to a heap of Hermione's own clothing. Left in a thin shirt, Severus rounded the corner.

She lay half submerged beneath the hot water of the bathtub. Her eyes were closed but she turned her head in his direction anyway. For a moment he saw her biting her lower lip. Then he found his gaze returned. Leaning against the sink, he watched her for a long time. Finally, after endless minutes Severus drew himself away from the sink. Hermione's gaze was upon him as he lifted the thin shirt from his chest. Standing in front of the edge of the tub, his hands rested upon the belt fastened around his waist. It startled him when she reached out for him but he caught her wrist and held it gently. Hermione focused on his hand for a long moment, but didn't withdraw from him. Making short work of the belt, he pushed the cloth around his hips down and stepped away. Fully nude, he regarded her cautiously. Expecting her to reject him, he was surprised when she slid forward, making room for him behind her in the large basin. The warmth of the water settling up to his chest was nothing like the heat of her back against his skin. Hermione rested her head against his shoulder as Severus secured his left arm around her hip, holding her to him.

"Severus.." He cut her off, landing a gentle kiss at the nape of her neck. For a moment he felt her stiffen, trying to pull away but he landed another kiss just behind her ear and she relaxed. "Severus I can't.."

"I wont hurt you." Kissing her shoulder, he lifted his free hand and rested his fingertips against the skin of her collarbone. Caressing the skin there, he whispered to her. "Let me show you what it's like to be possessed Hermione. Let me love you."

"No." Her protest was strangled and he could hear panic in her voice. Tightening his grip on her waist, he nipped gently at the skin of her neck before soothing the sting away with the tip of his tongue.

"Why not Hermione?"

"Because you will hurt me. It's inevitable." She moaned despite her protests as his fingers dipped into the space beneath her thighs. He touched her gently, accenting his ministrations there by landing kisses all across her shoulders and neck.

"I would never hurt you." Rubbing against her gently, he felt her arch into the touch and smiled against her skin. "Tell me why you're afraid of me Hermione."

"Because I love you." As she spoke, he plunged two fingers into her depth and he felt her jerk hard against him. Whispering again, his other hand traveled down, joining in his attentions of her. As his fingertips traced her thigh, he settled his lips against her ear.

"Silly girl. You presume the worst about love. I can show you the pleasure of it though. There is so much left to teach you." The purr in his voice was unmistakable and he could hear her breath growing harsh. Finding her body responding to his touch, Severus caressed the small bud between her thighs gently, in time with the motion of his fingers inside her. Now she was arching against his chest, her hips moving in an effort to maintain the contact. He denied her, withdrawing from her, but allowing slight brushes against her center, taunting her.

"Please..." Her voice was strangled, the tone of her arousal catching the attention of his own body.

"Tell me what you want."

"Touch me Severus. Please. It's all I've wanted." He obliged her quickly, plunging his fingers into her quickly. The sigh he elicited and the motion of her hips against him shot straight into his stomach. Never had he thought touch could be so arousing. Teasing her gently, he thrust his fingers in and out, timed with the nudges of his other hands. The whimper she released told him she was close. The shudders wracking her body were soothed by his whispered words. Suddenly she arched hard against him, rigid. Coaxing her on, he adjusted his movements and increased his pace. In the throes of her release, she threw her head back against his shoulder and closed her eyes. Gradually he felt her body relax and slipped his fingers from her. Wrapping his arms around her, he stood and drew her up with him. Disregarding the water cascading from them, he stepped from the tub, and took her into his arms. Smiling as her arms went around his neck, he stepped from the bathroom and entered his bedroom.

In the darkness he kneeled before her. She rested on the edge of the bed, staring down at him. The flush in her cheeks was still evident, even in the dim light of the room. Smiling, he brought his hand up and brushed his fingertips against her cheek.

"It is not so terrible a thing, to be possessed." Before she could answer he leaned forward and pressed his lips against hers. She didn't respond at first, but he didn't hesitate. As his fingertips traced the outline of her jaw, he felt her begin to relax. Suddenly she was returning his kiss, with an intensity he was surprised to find. Parting her lips with his tongue, he found hers and collided with it. Groaning softly, he found himself drawn fully against her, her legs wrapped around his hips. The gasp he elicited as he thrust slightly against her brought a grin to his face. Withdrawing, his own breathing more erratic then he would have liked, Severus regarded her. Rising from his position on the floor, he hovered over her and she moved to lay back on the bed. From above, he took in the fear still evident in her eyes. Offering a gentle smile, he lay a kiss on her forehead.

As she lay beneath him, Severus began. Finding the hollow at her throat, he kissed away the water still beaded there. His right hand moved up, playing with the skin just above her breast. Supported with his other hand, he began his descent. When his lips closed over her left nipple and his hand closed over the right her heard her swear softly. Chuckling, he teased the skin, kneading the pale flesh under his palm. Kissing the valley between, he paused and focused his attention on a slight dip just above her sternum. Then, continuing down he found himself at her navel. Recalling her ministrations from earlier, he kissed every inch of skin her could reach. When he found himself at a place that pleased him, he lingered. Intent upon marking her, he stopped for a long time just above her left hip. As he pulled back, he admired to bruise already forming from his ministrations. Pleased, he moved again. He felt Hermione's hands tangle in his hair and he looked up to find her watching him. Grasping one of her hands gently, he looked at her pointedly while he placed a gentle kiss on her palm.

The skin of her hips fascinated him. Pale and remarkably smooth, he found he could not pull himself away. Hovering over her left hipbone, he nipped the skin playfully and found he was rewarded by a sigh. Hermione shifted under him, in an effort to maintain contact more fully. Finally he relented and settled himself between her thighs. Kissing first the right, and then the left he placed his hands upon her to still her motions. Her hips lifted against him, and he heard her whispered pleas. Obliging her quickly, he dipped his head and gathered a taste of her. Plunging his fingers into her depths once more, he caressed her relentlessly with his mouth and hands. Her movements underneath him became more insistent as he continued. The tension in her body returned, and he found he could no longer resist his own arousal. Swiftly he left her and before she could protest the loss of contact he was settled between her thighs, poised to enter her.

"Hermione." Her eyes were closed and he repeated her name. Suddenly he found himself in the depths of her brown gaze and groaned softly as she shifted against him. "I'll never hurt you."

"I know." And with that he plunged into her, the thrust of his hips sharp. She gasped as he filled her and he struggled to catch his breath. Allowing her a moment to adjust, he moved into her gently. When she shifted her hips, experimentally moving against him he began. Planting a searing kiss on her lips, he arched into her as he moved. Her legs wrapped around his hips, encouraging him on. It did not take long for the tension in her body to reach it's peak again. He felt her begin to shudder around him, the sudden arch of her hips surprising him. As her release washed over her, he reached his hand to where they were connected and encouraged her on gently. The thrashing of her hips as she tightened around him spurred him on. His own release was building, With her name on his lips, it overtook him and he buried himself in her.

Poised above her, he met her gaze. Their breathing matched, he smiled again. But she avoided his gaze. Gently, he drew her back to face him and looked down at her questioningly.

"You don't have to love me." The whisper nearly broke him. Before she could withdraw from him, he tilted her chin up and kissed her with bruising intensity. Despite her protests, he felt her respond to him. After a long moment he pulled away, resting just millimeters from her lips. Catching her gaze, he looked at her for a long moment before he spoke.

"How could I not?"

She smiled.

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The End


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